Drabble Cutting

[kennahijja]

Ah – not only did the lovely Chthonia pick up my humble short piece Remuneration and did a beta on it, she also tackled the challenge I failed with – to make it into a drabble.
Which made me realise that I probably fail at drabbling because I'm too attached to certain ideas/images/phrases to prune them properly – it's so much easier to inflate them instead of cutting back.
So for anyone who's interested in the art of drabble-cutting, here goes:

First try – attempting to keep what I saw as the major plot points and most of the imagery that really stood out for me.


"Saving the heir of a Wizarding House entitles me,” Lucius Malfoy drawls. “Since there is no Weasley fortune, I'll settle for service."

Saved Bill, Fleur and the babies, Malfoy did. By offing his last Death Eater comrades, so no one's left to testify against him.

That male White Widow looks at Ron. Ron shivers, and doesn’t look away. As if he's already stopped being a Weasley. Maybe in time his hair will wash out too.

Harry crackles with rage. "Never!"

Never? They should never have let Hermione die.

"Are you offering yourself, Potter?"

"No," Ron says.

Malfoy’s gloved fingers fist in Ron’s hair, pulling him towards the enemy side. Showing Dad and Dumbledore and Harry just how powerless they are.

"Perhaps I will make you a gift to my son. I'm sure he'd enjoy it."

"Whatever." Ron mirrors the sneer. "But you won't get at Harry."

"I 'get' at your Harry by taking you,"

"But not enough," Ron whispers back, the ambivalence burning sweetly on his tongue because Malfoy can't possibly understand.

"Or perhaps I should keep you... You're quite the little strategist - I'd enjoy watching you play for your life."

So Ron will have a battle of his own, to take his mind off Hermione. So what if Malfoy breaks him? He's never been worth much, after all.

Second try – pruning the text but still trying to keep plot and imagery


“I’m entitled, Arthur,” Lucius Malfoy drawls. “I saved your heir. Since there is no Weasley fortune, I'll settle for service."

Saved Bill, Fleur and the babies, Malfoy did. While offing the last Death Eaters, so no one can testify against him.

No one saved Hermione.

"Never!" Harry shouts.

"You’re offering yourself, Potter?"

"No." Ron steps forward, dead-calm, as if he's already stopped being a Weasley. Maybe in time his hair will wash out too.

Malfoy’s fingers fist in Ron’s hair. A male White Widow, showing Dad and Harry just how powerless they are.

"Perhaps I will make you a gift to my son…"

"Whatever." Ron mirrors the sneer. "But you won't get at Harry."

"I 'get' at Harry by taking you."

"But not enough." The ambivalence burns sweetly on Ron’s tongue.

This new battle will take his mind off Hermione. And so what if Malfoy breaks him? He's never been worth much, after all.

(I guess it’s necessary to cut either some plot or some characteristion/imagery now)
So…


“I saved your family’s heir," Lucius Malfoy drawls. “Under wizarding law, I’m entitled to service.”

Saved Bill and Fleur’s babies, he means. While offing the last Death Eaters, so no one can testify against him.

No one saved Hermione. Harry was meeting his destiny; Ron was watching Harry's back.

"Never!" Harry shouts.

"You’re offering yourself, Potter?"

"No,” Ron says. “You won't get at Harry.”

"I 'get' at Harry by taking you," that male White Widow whispers.

"But not enough." The ambivalence burns sweetly on Ron’s tongue.

And so what if Malfoy breaks him? He's never been worth much, after all.

I really can't thank her enough - cutting down drabbles takes a lot more time than writing them.
*hugs*
And I've borrowed a couple of simmered-down phrases for the full story as well.
*hugs again*

Comments

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

This was really interesting! See, I go absolutely the other way - I tend to write something very spare to begin with, and hang dressing on the bare bones to shape it into more of a story as I edit.

[kennahijja.livejournal.com]

Wow! The idea of having bare-enough bones to allow for'embellishment' into 100 or 200 or 500 (never figured out quite how long the 'generic' drabble is) is near mind-boggling to me. Are you writing a first draft as a list of points or fragments, or just take an image, or a scene as the basis?

I always tend to have 'I need an explanation of how that came about' niggling in the back of my head, and then it develops into an almost-plot that I can't get rid of again :). Therefore, cutting like mad (or, more likely, working into a 'real' short story...).

BTW, do you know a good drabble site/community? I could read the Knockturn drabble_night stuff up and down, of course, but it's not the best to rec to just anybody :).

[fpb.livejournal.com]

To be perfectly honest, I hardly see the point. When I saw the final result, and thought of your original, I could have wept: all the beauty was gone. This sort of format seems to me only suitable for jokes. (By the way, did you hear the one about the two fishermen and "Either you shorten your eel..."?)

[moltensulfur.livejournal.com]

Wow, I should try that sometime. Maybe then I'd be able to write a decent summary. I do like the drabble though. I hope he 'gets' Harry anyway. *g*

veritas

[kennahijja.livejournal.com]

You would, wouldn't you :).

And I like it too - it has all it needs to have, boiled down to the essence. And I just adore drabbles - good ones can pull such an incredible punch.

[moltensulfur.livejournal.com]

You know, as I look over it again, the bare bones version reads easier, particularly for someone with a short attention span like me. :P And yes, in my mind, Ron's already been handed over to Draco and Lucius is...well, yeah. I'll stop there.